Wikipedia defines a pumpernickel bagel as “a typically heavy, slightly sweet rye bread traditionally made with sourdough starter and coarsely ground rye [that’s] sometimes made with a combination of flour made from rye as well as whole rye grains.” I define it as pure bliss. 

Bagels are an important part of my life.  They are a terrific after-practice snack and they comfort me during the dark times of my life. However, sometimes I am stopped in my path towards reaching true happiness. 

The culprits? My friends. I am beaten down for my taste in bagels. The words of “weird” and “that’s gross” haunt me every time I walk to the counter of Lox Stock and Bagels. 

But yet, I persevere. The knowledge that the pumpernickel bagel is listed as the 20th bagel on the online Lox Stock and Bagels’ menu reminds me that I am not the only one who relishes in the circle of doughy, rye bread. It may be 20th on the website, but it will always be No. 1 in my heart. 

Some people may say, “But Jenny, just because the bagel is available at one shop doesn’t mean it’s good.” 

To that I say, do your research. Pumpernickel is a popular bagel flavor in New York, it’s a common part of Dutch people’s diets, and it’s a staple in Denmark. And you can’t argue with the Danes.

Pumpernickel bagels are also a great way to spice up your life. If you walk up to the counter and ask for an everything bagel, you’re boring. Bland. Basic. Yeah, it might have “everything” on it, but is it made with dense rye bread? No. 

If you want to make your mark on the world, start by ordering a pumpernickel bagel. No Lox Stock and Bagel employee will ever forget the person who came into their store and asked for a pumpernickel bagel with cream cheese. You could be the ray of light in their once gloomy day. 

This cross country season, my coach got us bagels for a Saturday morning practice. She called each of our names and asked for our preferred bagel flavor. When it got to me, I hesitated. I wanted my chewy, coarse, pumpernickel bagel. But I knew I would get made of fun instantly when I voiced my choice. So instead, I went with an everything bagel. I have never forgiven myself for that cowardly decision.

To cope with this, I have made myself read this important ode ever since that fateful day: “Pumpernickel” by Stephen Bates Baltes made its debut on a Barney episode called “Any Way You Slice It.” 

Its lyrics have changed my life. 

“Yum, yum, pumpernickel!

Pumpernickel bread! Hey!

Barney has a bread and it’s called pumpernickel!

Yum, yum, pumpernickel!

Pumpernickel bread! Hey!”

These lyrics have never rung so true. It’s no wonder why Barney is aimed towards growing children. Learning about the deliciousness pumpernickel bread offers, and thus pumpernickel bagels, is important knowledge that young kids must know. 

Change can begin anytime and anywhere. Why not start now? A simple change in your meal choice is a great start! The next time someone asks what kind of bagel you’d like, simply puff up your chest and proudly ask for one pumpernickel bagel. 

From that moment on, your new life begins. An endless source of happiness awaits you. All you have to do is make the switch to pumpernickel bagels.