I have a confession to make. I do not understand zodiac signs. In the hallways, in classrooms, in group chats, in conversations with burnt-out college students in the Starbucks line, I hear murmurings: “OMG, you’re such a Capricorn,” and “I literally love Scorpios.” Shut up Bethany, your Buzzfeed quiz results say you’re more of an Aries. And a liar. 

Wherever I go, these discussions haunt me. I feel lost, untethered, abandoned on a deserted island with 20 eligible, severely spray tanned, British singles (oh sorry, that’s Love Island). But I’d hate to live a life alienated from my peers. So, on a cold November night, I began my research. What was it about zodiac signs that drew people in, that grabbed them by the collars of their thrifted, oversized t-shirts and didn’t let them go?

As any skilled researcher would, I consulted Google about my own sign. Apparently Aquarians are “brilliant, passionate, charming, and quirky.” I started to understand the appeal.

After weeks of digging into Instagram archives and teen magazines, I fell into a rut. What more was there to learn about the stars? Then, I recalled a piece of wisdom I overheard (it was actually shouted from a bullhorn over the sound of clanging swords) from the History of Modern Warfare class next door: in order to defeat the enemy, you must become them. Since this advice seemed more like a demand than a suggestion, I decided to embark on a career as a professional horoscope author.

Below, you will find astrological predictions written by yours truly, a talented writer and a recent Co-Star connoisseur. My inbox might be flooded with copyright strikes and absurd accusations of plagiarism, but that will not stop me publishing some of the most valuable and sacred texts known to mankind. Without further ado, I present to you the “2021 Highlights Horoscopes” (at least 3). 

Sagittarius (Archer): November 22–December 21

This is your month! Unfortunately, things will not go your way because Mercury is in retrograde (he got held back a few years in school).  It is almost certain that your car will end up on “Warriors Worst Parking”, and your toast will get really burnt but not in a way that you feel justified in throwing it out. Watch out for vague guidelines on English rubrics and rivalries with cross country runners that can only end in stress fractures and student loan debt. 

Do:

Send an email to a teacher after agonizing over the grammar

Don’t: 

Cry when they send you an emoji back in response

Leo (Lion): July 23–August 22

Wild times ahead; Saturn is in the frat house today! Your pre-winter break fiesta en Español is sure to be loco. You will receive three stale munchkins instead of two and you will be paired with your crush in Secret Snowflake. Don’t forget their life-threatening eggnog allergy!! Watch out for water fountains spiked with lead and freshmen throwing informal get-togethers in the hallways during passing time.  

Do: 

Greet the Big-Y cashier with a generic holiday greeting

Ice fishing

Calligraphy

Don’t: 

See Mommy kissing Santa Claus. It’ll ruin your break 

Invest in crypto

Start a new Covid strain

Aquarius (Water Bearer): January 20–February 18

Things are really going your way!! (I am not biased please leave my birthdate out of this). You will win the Nobel Peace Prize AND the Warrior Award as result of your efforts to end world hunger and your daily adherence to the moment of silence. You will sleep six hours and wake up feeling well rested. Your friends will not gaslight you as you attempt to explain inflation. Watch out for paparazzi and the pitter-patter of your heart as you and the love of your life end up on the same shared Google Doc at 2 am.

Do:

Laugh at children waiting for the bus in shorts

Appease the Duolingo owl

Unionize

Don’t: 

Complete the assigned textbook readings. You stayed awake for the entire lecture and you deserve a little reward.

Apologize for your IBS 

I would write more horoscopes but sadly, Mercury remains in retrograde (he thinks that repeating kindergarten six times is “vintage”) and my mom keeps calling me for dinner. Before I leave, I implore you to take every word I write as gospel—I only have your best interests in mind! I am not liable for injuries that occur as a result of recommended “dos”. 

Do: 

Have a happy holiday!

Don’t:

Sue me