Warning: The head of the Revolutionary Suburbanites, a very serious orginization with very serious ends, Yourav Rage’Jo,  threatened to ignite 20 fart bombs simultaneously in the premises of Hall High School if this manifesto was not published.

The Manifesto of the Revolutionary Suburbanites

Introduction and Thoughts:

As Karl Marx famously said, “The history of all hitherto existing suburbs is the history of vapid architecture,” or something like that. Well, Marx was wrong. (Is that any surprise?) 

We suburbanites pride our McMansions just as we pride our omnipresent political righteousness. And it dismays us that so many young people are beginning to revolt against what they (wrongly) perceive as the drab materialism and boring lack of community that exists. 

For one, I don’t know what the heck materialism means, but if it means we have a lot of materials, well what’s so bad about that? And also, lack of community? It’s not as if we live in bubbles, barely get to know our neighbors, and get suspicious when we spot anyone darker than Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Demands and Points:

Anyways, I’m ranting too much. The Revolutionary Suburbanites have a few points and demands to make. The first point is that we are not revolutionaries. Yeah, yeah, be as shocked as you want. 

The name of “Revolutionary Suburbanites” arose from the fact that we could garner more attention for our organization. Kids these days love the word “Revolutionary.”  Revolutionary Cheese Balls, Revolutionary Electric Car, Revolutionary Socialism, Revolutionary Revolution, Revolutionary Revolutionary Revolution: They’d eat a turd if we called it “Revolutionary.” 

And also, what did you expect, that we were really revolutionary? We’re middle class suburbanites, not factory workers who work at a General Motors plant (how many kids even know what General Motors is? 

In my day, everyone knew about General Motors. On behalf of the organization, I’ll tell you, it’s a darn shame that no one knows about General Motors. It was the future of American engineering. My brother-in-law, son of the great Kaiser Wilhelm Car Motor, who was the long lost son of the great German emperor Kaiser Wilhelm II was named after it – General Motors Motor! There’s no explanation for the company’s downfall other than that the Russians hacked it.)

My second point is that we’re not an organization. Or we are an organization, but I’m the only member. I mean, I could call it the Revolutionary Suburbanite, but that sounds more like an academic magazine than a revolutionary group. 

Everything sounds better pluralized – although, on second thought, not really: “Dave, hand me your ball so I can dribble it,” versus, “Dave, hand me your balls so I can dribble them.”  There’s a big difference there. To be honest, I’m not exactly sure how many Suburbanites like suburbia. I’m not even sure I like suburbia as much as I claim, to be frank!

The next section of this manifesto is quite stupid and surprising. In fact, we here at the newspaper aren’t sure why the heck Yourav Rage’Jo wanted to publish this part, (or this whole manifesto for that matter). I mean, you’d think that planting 20 fart bombs around a high school and threatening to detonate them would mean that the manifesto would be readable. I mean the comedy here is as bad as Amy Schumer trying to crack anything other than a sex joke. 

My third and last point to make is that you may have noticed this manifesto hasn’t really made any points or demands. You see, this is all a ploy for something much bigger. The purpose of the first paragraph was to legitimize this as something to be read the entire way through, an actual manifesto. The second and third paragraphs were made to make you think, “Am I reading a manifesto being published in a very highly regarded newspaper, or is this a giant Reddit copypasta written by a guy high on weed?” Thus, you would read all the way through till the very end due to the absurdity. 

I don’t care about the suburbs, I live in New York City. I just threw a dart at a bunch of options I printed out from a PowerPoint to choose my ploy. The Other options were, “The Grilled Cheese Pyramid Scheme,” “Why OJ Simpson Is Innocent,” “My Grandfather Was Mussolini – I Feel No Shame,” and, finally, another manifesto, “The Manifesto of the Revolutionary Bourbonists.”

Anyway, what is this big thing? Well, the newspaper editors (I presume as I am writing this before publication. Wait a minute, that sounds stupid.) already told you about the 20 fart bombs I placed around the school that I am threatening to activate if this is not published. 

Well, guess what! It doesn’t matter whether this is published or not. On December 9, 2022, the fart bombs will go off all around the school! Why fart bombs you may ask? See, I am a huge admirer of “Despicable Me,” and I think Gru with his fart guns represents the epitome of evil genius. So I have combined my scientific prowess with the idea of a fart weapon from “Despicable Me” and created “fart bombs.”

Yes, Hall High School will be the first place in the entire world to witness the future of non-lethal warfare! (And not because I’m a thirty-something man child who thinks the word fart is funny).  And on December 9, 2022, when the smell of farts hits your nostrils, and you feel anger – don’t! Because you, my friends, are the first people to smell en masse, the fart of the genius Yourav Rage’Jo!!!

Well, we at the newspaper collectively agree that this is the most idiotic thing ever put to paper. We don’t know what this has to do with Revolutionary Subarbanites and why Yourav Rage’Jo decided to subject himself to this much embarrassment. The only person who would laugh at this is Bart Simpson. So unless Hall High school is just a thousand Bart Simpsons walking around, please forget about this article as soon as you finish reading it.