Not a tragic writer: tragically, a writer

In my AP Literature and Composition class this year, we read a tragedy called “Oedipus Rex,” a play about a man who kills his father and marries his mother (Oedipus is pronounced ED-ih-pis). Naturally, my first thought after reading it was, “Could I transcribe ‘Oedipus’ to make it a bit more accessible for the public?” Absolutely I could. Enjoy! 

(Disclaimer: I did this from memory. Some parts might be wrong).

Oedipus sat upon his throne, lounging girlishly. He sighed. “OMG,” he said aloud. “Thebes sucks.” 

“I agree,” replied the Choragos. “Thebes is the armpit of Greece. Thebes is like if rotten olives were a place. Thebes is where hope goes to die. Actually, Thebes is where DESPAIR goes to die.”

“A touch dramatic,” said Oedipus. “Take this down about twenty notches. Are you an advisor or an actor?”

Suddenly, Creon burst into the room. 

“Uncle Creon!” Oedipus exclaimed. “I mean, brother-in-law Creon, brother of my wife!”

“I bring news!” Creon said. “We can make Thebes not suck! All we have to do is find out who killed King Laius! But we have only one witness, and he swore never to discuss the crime again. And, it will be tricky to get into the head of a murderer, because nobody here has ever killed anybody.”

Oedipus looked into the camera as if he was Jim from “The Office.” 

“Perfect!” said the Choragos. “We will move from the armpit of Greece to maybe the kneecap of Greece or something. Send for the witness!”

Later that day, Oedipus was pondering in his chambers. Then, his wife Jocasta, a magnificent intellectual loving female, walked into the room. 

“I heard the news!” she said. “Fantastic! All we must do is find the killer and Thebes will be saved! Oedi-pie, why do you look so sad?”

“This is the skin of a killer, Jocasta,” Oedipus replied solemnly. “I have a deep and terrible secret that I have not ever told anyone.”

Jocasta gasped shockingly. “Oh my goodness!”

Oedipus nodded. “Many years ago, I killed an old man at a crossroads. It was a terrible crime! But he had just run me off the road to make room for his extravagant, gilded chariot, decorated with crowns and scepters, that came accompanied by a team of guards who I also killed.”

Jocasta gave him a big, nurturing hug. She said, “Oedi-pie, I too have committed a heinous and terrible act. My late husband Laius and I had a baby boy!”

Oedipus frowned confusedly. “That’s not a terrible act. If it was a girl, that would be one thing, but a boy is nothing to be ashamed of!”

Jocasta shook her head floppily. “But the terrible act was what I did to the baby! The oracle told Laius that his son would kill him and marry me. Laius pierced the baby’s ankles, tied them together with a rope, and sent him off with a shepherd to die!”

Oedipus shot to his feet and nearly lost his balance, but caught himself by using the strength and dexterity his pierced ankles offered him. “Jocasta, that is truly a terrible and heinous crime! However, your indiscretions make me feel better about my own. I love you so much!”

Oedipus and Jocasta embraced each other lovingly. The next day, Oedipus was reclining on a chaise in the throne room, kicking his feet and giggling over his mind-blowing night with Jocasta. They had played the most thrilling game of Scrabble Thebes had ever seen. Oedipus had gotten a triple letter bonus on “INCEST.” 

Suddenly, Creon slithered into the room, accompanied by a wrinkled old man who looked like someone had sucked all the water out of a squirrel. 

“King Oedipus!” Creon proclaimed. “This is Teiresias! He is a blind seer who has come to help us solve Laius’s murder.”

“What great news!” Oedipus shouted giddily. “O great and unseeing Teiresias, who killed King Laius?”

Teiresias was staring directly at Oedipus’s midsection. Oedipus leaned to the side and asked the Choragos if his fly was down. The Choragos reminded him that the seer was blind and prone to staring at nothing and that if he was looking at Oedipus’s crotch, it was truly nothing he was staring at. 

“King Oedipus!” Teiresias bellowed mockingly. “You are blind to the truth that has put you on the throne. You cannot see what lies in front of you. And soon, you will be unable to see at all. You will be blinded for your crimes! I have discovered the true killer of King Laius. It was you! You murdered him on that highway years ago! Men, scorn this murderer! Banish him from your ranks! Cast him into exile!”

“Nu-uh!” said Oedipus.

Oedipus and Teiresias argued for a while over who was lying. Eventually, Creon led him from the room, gazing suspiciously at Oedipus. When he came back, he brought more news. 

“Oedipus! The witness is here. We also have a messenger from Corinth. Who do you want to see first?” 

“Let’s see,” Oedipus said. “Eeny, meany, miney, mo…” Eventually, it was decided that the messenger would speak first. 

“King Oedipus! I have tragic news. Your father, the king of Corinth, has died!” the messenger proclaimed. 

“Oh, cruel world!” Oedipus lamented theatrically. “Oh, darkest of days! Oh, I shall never feel joy again! Actually, this is okay. At least that prophecy won’t come true. Happiness and light!”

“What prophecy?” Creon asked curiously.

“Oh, that prophecy the oracle told me that said I would kill my father and marry my mother. That put me in a bad mood for like a week! But now it can’t come true.”

Upon hearing this, Jocasta fainted. After she had been roused, she ran from the room sloppily, smelling salts falling from her dress.

“Wonder what’s up with her?” Oedipus asked. “Anyways, thanks for the news! Fetch me the witness.”

The witness, a trembling man holding a shepherd’s crook, came into the room. When he saw the messenger, his jaw dropped. “Tim?”

“Joey!” the messenger exclaimed, holding his arms out for a hug. “How long has it been?”

“Aw, nice! Reunion!” Oedipus said. “How do you two cool cats know each other?”

“We met when I gave him the baby the queen gave me to leave in the woods to die,” the messenger said. 

“Yes,” the shepherd continued, “and I couldn’t bear to leave the poor thing all alone. So I gave him to the famously childless king and queen of Corinth.” 

“What a coincidence,” said Oedipus. “My parents are the king and queen of Corinth! But you’re our witness. Who killed King Laius?”

“It was…” The shepherd paused for dramatic effect. “YOU! King Oedipus, you killed your true father, the king of Thebes, on that road all those years ago! Also, you married your true mother, Queen Jocasta!” 

Oedipus put a hand over his mouth and ran from the room to throw up. 

Later that day, Creon was sitting on the throne “just to see how it felt.” The Choragos stood to his right, wondering how many years he had left until retirement. Then, Oedipus was led in by his daughter Antigone, a blindfold over his eyes. 

“Oedipus!” Creon bellowed. “You have been convicted of the murder of King Laius and will henceforth be BANISHED from the kingdom of Thebes! What do you have to say for yourself?”

Oedipus reached behind his head and untied his blindfold gropingly. Everyone gasped. He had no eyes!

“Creon. Choragos. Men,” he said. “I have blinded myself for my sins! It hurt a lot and there was a lot of blood and it was probably really gross, but I don’t know for sure because I couldn’t see it. Anyway! I accept my banishment. Please, just spare my children. They are all I have in this world, for my wife and mother killed herself soon after learning what we had done.”

“Fine,” Creon said. “Anything else?”

“O, cruel fate! You have made me your mistress. O, tragedy! O, irony! O, the gods are cruel and-”

“Oedipus,” said Creon, “you are really harshing my mellow. Antigone! Please take him away.” 

Antigone led Oedipus out of the room. Creon cackled sinisterly. The Choragos turned to the side and started speaking: “Men of Thebes, look upon Oedipus. This is the king who solved the famous riddle and towered up, most powerful of men. No mortal eyes but looked on him with envy, yet in the end, ruin swept over him.”

Creon asked who he was talking to, then if his kingly robe made him look fat. The Choragos sighed. Five more years until retirement.