As the 2023-2024 school year has come upon us, there is nothing better than reading a handy and accurate guide to set you up for success. Are you possibly searching for the fashion trends that your friends are refusing to let you in on? Unable to find the backpack that will rock you the most swag when you walk past Mr. Zittoun on your way to math class? How about wearing the right perfume to find your next homecoming date? 

Well, fear no more, young padawan, this guide will help you find all the essentials needed to get you through the first few weeks of school. (Disclaimer:  If you do not precisely follow each and every step of this guide, it might not work.)

First things first, let’s make this clear, school is not just a place to learn and become educated on the world’s problems. School is for you to strategically plan which people you want to befriend so that in 30 years, you can live rent-free in their seven-car garage. One word this guide will contain a lot is “swag”:  it means “stylish confidence.” With the right style and confidence, you will be set up for an excellent year at Hall High School.

Step 1: Dress to Impress

If you want to look good for the school ID photos taken in the first few weeks of the year, or if you simply want people to say to themselves, “Man, they’re so cool, and I want to be them so bad.  They are so cool and like I want to be their friend so so bad,” you must arrive at school dressed to impress.

In: T-shirts with “I paused my game to be here” printed across the chest with a video game controller; anything neon and bright-colored; full suits that decked out with diamonds, gold, rubies, and silver; baby onesies; overalls

Out: Anything that doesn’t fit among the list above (besides a hot dog costume. But that’s a gray area).

Step 2: Play it Cool
To further your already “swag” attire, the next step in making it out of the depths of Hall High School is to act cool. Find clubs to participate in (like Hall newspaper; we would love to have you!), and also find a sport you would like to join. 

If soccer doesn’t work out, cross-country is always an option for you! And if that doesn’t work out for you either, another viable option is the Robotics Club. If you attend these meetings with your swag attire, everyone will ask you to be their friend (I promise).

Bonus points can be earned if you bring a massive case of chocolate chip cookies along with baby carrots.  Who doesn’t love cookies? Or baby carrots? Not the regular carrots, though. Save those for the Environmental Club meeting.’

Step 3: Fund the School Economy

Are you looking to be a team player? But not interested in a team sport or a club? Another way to be involved is to fuel the school’s funds! And how you may ask? A trendy and sought-out way to make school a little more bearable is to buy out every vending machine in the school; that way, the school can give another $20,000 to a high school student to buy yard games that “are still waiting to be opened in the gym equipment closets.”

Look at you now! Along with a bunch of spike ball nets hidden in the office, you also have millions of snacks to put into your locker that everybody already uses. If you run out of room, passing out chips and candy to kids who refuse to touch the cafeteria lunch but are too lazy to bring their lunch from home couldn’t hurt. 

Another way you can fund the school economy is to order one million “Hall Titan Baby Onesies” from the school store and have all of your friends attempt to wear them, as that is also a core part of “swag” attire.

Conclusion

Well, there you have it, the three steps to finding success in high school. From year to year, it varies, but I have found these to be the three most important aspects you can improve on as you walk into school those first few days. 

Now scram! Many people like you will be reading this article and will also be on the lookout to bring the swag to Hall High School. Stock up on carrots, baby onesies, and your ice cream-scooping job’s tip money so you can prosper this 2023-2024 school year!

Disclaimer

If the “swag” nor carrots nor onesies don’t work, don’t worry. You will still have a fantastic school year! Make some friends, join some clubs, and this year will be what YOU make of it.