It’s that time of year again where we bitter singles complain about not having a date yet again. Well instead of complaining about being single, I’m here to complain about some recent changes to the school. A firm believer in working problems out through love instead of hate, I decided to write letters to each of the changes with which I have issues.

Dear New School Bells,

I’m so glad we met each other recently! Thanks for always being there to save me from my mundane life. I’m an adventurous person, and I feel that you compliment me well. Even though we haven’t gone anywhere together, you always make me feel like I’m flying on an airplane when I’m with you. If this whole high- school-bell thing doesn’t work out, I think you’d have a great career as an elevator bell. I also love our movie nights, since every time you make a sound it reminds me of the Purge. I love getting that rush of adrenaline! You’ve also taught me valuable life lessons. I used to think the bell was just a truck driving in reverse, and occasionally would laugh at it. Now I know not to make fun of it, and I won’t take it for granted ever again. Anyways, thanks for all the good times, but I think I need a break. It’s not me, it’s you. 

Love,

Every Student at Hall High

Dear Locked Bathrooms,

It’s true what they say:  “You never know what you have until it’s gone.”  I miss you so much! Instead of taking the short, 17 step walk to go to the bathroom, I now have to walk across the school to find a door that is open. It might look like I’m cheating on you, but I promise it isn’t what it looks like. Plus, I feel like you are going to waste. I worry about you getting lonely. The other bathrooms run out of soap and paper towels, and I know you are sitting there longing to help, but there is nothing you can do. I get it, though; sometimes closing yourself off is the best way to be open. I now have an excuse to miss even more class time because I must wander in search of an unlocked bathroom door. However, I really wish you had a sign. On more than one occasion, I have walked to the door confidently and pushed, only to bounce off and feel foolish in front of my peers. Maybe a warning that you are locked would be beneficial. Well, that’s all for me. I hope we can reunite soon!

Love,

A Girl Who Has To Tinkle

Dear Four Chair Rule,

You should really consider a career in law enforcement. You are respectably upheld more often than jaywalking, speeding, and sometimes even murder. I honestly believe I could get away with killing someone before I could go a full period with five chairs at a table in the library. Now, I understand that your goal is to regulate the noise level, but I’ve often seen tables with two chairs louder than one with six. Those chairs sure are chatty! Yet for all the negative comments you get, at least you provide stability. In a fast-paced world where things – without warning – change every week (I’m talking to you, new bells), it’s sometimes nice to have one constant to rely on. On the other hand, that old mantra that high school is the best time of your life because of the freedom sure doesn’t hold true. Maybe in college I’ll finally get that opportunity to sit where and with whom I want. For now, I’ll just sit here and write this letter to you from my outcast table after being banished from my friends when I daringly moved a chair to their table. 

With love and bitterness,

A Lonely Columnist

Dear Sign-Out Sheets,

Sometimes in life, things seem pointless. And you are one of those things. As a lowly piece of paper, you have no authority. If I get questioned about my guilty-before-proven-innocent vaping behavior, and you testify against me, who do you think they’ll believe? You, an easily forged, cut-down tree who gets written all over and never stands up for yourself? Or me, a four-time “Conscientious and Hard-working” award recipient who never has run-ins with the law? Stay in your lane, buddy. Don’t think you can stop me from going to the bathroom whenever I want. You are a waste of oxygen to the planet. All I want is to go to the bathroom in peace without being questioned about why I go at the same time every day. I can’t stop my body clock from having to potty during sixth period, so if you could stop looking at me with that judgmental face and let me live my life, I’d appreciate it.

Signing off,

Megan Polun