So, you’ve just gotten your license and Mommy and Daddy are letting you drive their precious minivan to school. But when you go through the Hall High Handbook for rules on parking at school, there is a lot that the administration forgot to include! Censorship strikes again. Never fear, I have graciously accepted the task of educating the student population on how to properly operate your motor vehicle on school property.

First, let’s start with what you do outside of the car. When you walk through the halls, make sure to swing your keychain as loud as possible. When possible, wear pockets that allow you to dangle the lanyard at maximum length. If you are a sophomore, mention it to anyone in a general three mile radius. 

During the last five minutes of period eight, make sure you have strategically placed your keys at the bottom of your backpack. This way, you can signal the traditional mating call of the hall that sounds like “jingle jangle rustle rustle,” roughly translating to, “Please date me, I have car.” (National Geographic has failed to do an exposé on teenage mating rituals, but I’m still holding out hope.)

Now let’s talk the parking lot, the arena, the coliseum. Cut as many people off as possible. Waiting more than thirty seconds to drive after school is for weaklings, for Chieftains.  

Let’s lay down the ground rules when parking. If there is a spot right in front of you, sorry, that’s my spot. The spot next to that one? Also my spot. The spot behind you? My spot. That open spot in the next row? Definitely the designated Tesla spot. (No that one was not a joke. Elon has promised to purchase “Lowlights” if Twitter falls through.) If you ever struggle parking, don’t worry! So does everyone! It’s totally fine to park in as many spots as you need. (Source: The Hall High Parking Lot at 7:31 am)

Let me bestow some wisdom onto you all! Here are my tried and true favorite tips and tricks to navigating driving here at Hall High School!

1. Speed Limits are a suggestion. Prove your dominance by reaching the maximum velocity possible.
2. Never let anyone know your next move. Keep turn signals off at all times.
3. Give me your Hall Parking Pass. Please. I need it for undisclosed, unspecified reasons.
4. See number 3
5. Guys, please! If my mom finds out I lost my pass, I’m in so much trouble.
6. Handicapped spots are for everyone! First come first serve rules apply, and, as long as you call dibs, it’s totally ok.

Now you are all ready to be proper student drivers here at Hall High School! And if all of you who love the CRAAP-test are worried about my reliability, don’t worry! I failed my drivers test the first time so I am an expert in what not to do. 

News flash: back-in parking is a myth. Anyways, I look forward to seeing all of you educated drivers finally following the Six Commandments of the Hall High Student Parking lot. Happy speeding!