The Modern Christening

Josie Wenner, Pretentious Film Student


My new and improved Letterboxd (downloaded for the purpose of this article)
(Josie Wenner)


I like films. However, I’ve found that one of the problems with modern cinema is the titles of movies. Most of them are vague, ambiguous, and uninspired. But worry not. There is a solution. I will simply rename every movie ever created. I’ve prepared a portfolio of my very best new and improved names. Enjoy!

“Jaws”: One-word movie titles are an ever popular choice. They make sense, as the average American audience has a hard time remembering titles longer than that. However, given that this movie is about a shark, I think that the title should include some mention of the titular creature. 

Therefore, I rechristen this film “Shark!” I think the exclamation point really adds some pizazz, and conveys the sense of urgency the people in the film felt when seeing a really big shark.

“The Blob”: I like this title. It leaves no ambiguity. I would go into this movie expecting a blob, and a blob I would get. I have no corrections.

“The Shawshank Redemption”: I had to look up what “Shawshank” meant. Many people are not as intelligent and driven as I, and are thus unwilling to put in extra work. 

A movie title should tell you absolutely everything about the experience you’re going into. Also, there’s not much “redemption” going on. 

A more apt title would be “The Prison escape.” I put the word “escape” in really small letters because (spoiler!) the main character escapes prison, but I didn’t want to give too much away from the title.

“The Dark Knight”: This title makes absolutely no sense at all. To be referred to as a “knight,” one must be knighted by a noble, typically the Queen of England (RIP). Neither Bruce Wayne or Batman have received this honor. 

I think a better fitting title would be “Orphan: Goth” (distinguishing from “Orphan: Ginger” who would of course be Annie – from the musical “Annie”).  Batman wears all black, and his parents are dead. He also has some traditional goth eyeliner in the most recent film in the franchise. This title will also allow orphans to see themselves represented in popular culture. 

“Inception”: Much like the ending of the film, I didn’t understand the title. The dictionary defines “inception” as “the establishment or starting point of an institution or activity.” Not many things started in this movie, except a new existential question for us to ponder in the middle of the night (is this all real, or am I dreaming?). 

In my opinion, a better title would be “Betwixt and Between.” This phrase is a synonym of the word “middle,” which is a nod to the fact that the beginning of the movie drops you right in the middle of a scene without explaining anything and also the fact that I fell asleep in the middle of watching it.

“Se7en”: This title is weird and confusing. I get replacing letters with numbers in cases where the number looks like the letter (“0” for “O” or “1” for “I”) but a “7” does not remotely look like a “V.” 

Also, it’s too ambiguous. I had no idea what the plot of this movie was. Apparently, it’s about a serial killer, so perhaps a more suitable title would be “Murder is Wrong.” This is true (murder is wrong).

“Back to the Future”: How can you possibly go BACK to the FUTURE? You’ve never been there. It’s the future. Marty McFly is actually returning to the present, and he doesn’t even do that until the very end of the film. Spoilers! Maybe I didn’t want to know if he made it back until I watched the film. 

A better title would be “Robert Zemeckis Presents: Starring Michael J. Fox: Time Travel.” It’s very important to give credit to the actors and directors of movies, and you need to know that this movie involves time travel, because why else would you watch it?

“It”: What is “It”? Who knows. New name: “Scary Clown.”

“Rosemary’s Baby”: This movie is about a woman (Rosemary) who gives birth to a demon baby and her wacky misadventures. 

The title is already pretty good, but it could always be better. I propose “Always Use Protection” as more of a teaching title that warns young children (the film’s target audience) of the dangers of unsafe behaviors and ways to prevent demon babies.

Thank you for reading. Please nominate me for any and all awards possible. I’m trying to be the youngest and most irritating person to ever get an EGOT.