“Dog, you know you gotta stay hydrated.” The notorious maxim has likely been permanently etched into the collective memory of Hall. But what happens if you lose your water bottle, that staunch and dependable instrument of hydration? Well, you drink from one the school’s 21 water fountains, of course. But which one to choose?

Here at Hall Highlights, we’ve labored tirelessly to get this vital and refreshing information to you, the students. We’ve ranked every water fountain in the school based on 3 criteria: Water Pressure, Temperature, and Features.

Water Pressure received the most weight, because it doesn’t matter how cold the water is if it never reaches your mouth. And, let’s face it: it’s humiliating to bend over in the middle of the hallway. The higher the water stream, the less you have to bend down, and the more dignity you preserve.  Finally, in the busy life of a high school student, time is valuable. A stronger water stream allows for you to hydrate quickly, and avoid the dirty looks from your impatient peers.

Temperature is next in importance. Particularly in the summer, a taste of warm water makes you wish you hadn’t taken a drink at all. A cold water fountain is a successful water fountain.

Finally, the Features category. This accounts for any other features that make a water fountain appealing. For example, a water fountain with a water bottle filler receives a 5/5 in this category, unless it is sensor activated. This is because the sensors’ imprecision leads to water spilling all over the bottle and your hand when you attempt to pull it away. A sensor activated filler would receive a 4.5/5. Additionally, pairs and triplets of water fountains are counted as one in these rankings, they earned points in the features category for having multiple water spouts.

Now the next time you find yourself parched in the middle of math, you’ll know where to go to find the most refreshing H2O. Without further ado, the results.

The best place to get a drink in Hall is in the World Language Wing, as it contains 2 of the top 6 water fountains in the school, including the tastiest, most refreshing source of hydration in the building.

The unassuming champion is found nestled into an alcove in the slight hallway between A207 and A208. At first sight, no one would recognize this fountain as the pinnacle of scholarly hydration. It is a clunky plastic contraption with a metal basin, it’s branding faded to the point of illegibility. Its aged appearance conjures nostalgic images of a simpler time, one filled with the lost teeth and skinned knees of grade school.

All it takes is one sip to wash away any preconceptions. The water rushes out of the spout and shoots high above the basin, so that it’s barely necessary to bend down. The stream is thick and powerful, hydrating efficiently, and the water is ice cold.

It was clear from the first drink that this water fountain reigned supreme over all others at Hall. Further investigation proved this initial conclusion correct. Other fountains came close, but none could match this retro hydration machine’s score of 29/30 points. They just don’t make them like they used to.

Adding to the Language Wing’s appeal is the fountain located between the Boy’s and Girl’s Restrooms along the border with the Science Wing. This fountain is no slacker either, as it is ranked among the top third of all water fountains in Hall. Students in the Language Wing thus have two premier sources of H2O well within walking distance.

A close runner up in our results was the water fountain between the Boy’s and Girl’s locker rooms, with 28 points. Rounding out the top five were the fountains next to the Girl’s Bathroom at the entrance to the portables, outside the Cafeteria next to the kitchen, and next to E127 across from the gym.

Another important takeaway from this study is the location of broken water fountains. There is no level of disappointment to match that of a thirsty student who eagerly stops at a fountain before class, only to find it completely dry. Unfortunately, there are 5 such sources of sorrow spread throughout the school, and if you don’t know where they are, they can be difficult to avoid.

To avoid this esteem-lowering mishap, steer away clear the water fountains next to the school store, between C102 and C109, between A102 and A109, outside of CG10, and between C211 and C203.

You can check out the complete rankings below. To plan your hydrating schedule based on these results, see the attached map detailing the location of every water fountain in order of their spot on the rankings. The devious dry fountains are also marked. Happy hydrating!