March 10, 2020 — At William H. Hall High school, students of all different backgrounds flood the hallways. From jazz dancers to football players to all different club members, the school boasts a variety of clubs and sports for all students to participate in. However, at first glance, you would not know who the club members are – the same cannot be said for the athletes.

We have a tradition at Hall that leading up to a state championship, athletes will dye their hair bleach-blonde as a symbol of unity against their opponents. All different shades of white and yellowish appear on the heads of student athletes – but why limit this trend to just sports?

I believe that all clubs leading up to big events should hop on the trend and dye their hair as well. For instance, when Model UN is gearing up to their big trip to New York to meet with delegates of a foreign nation, why leave their hair an acceptable color? Before the Unified Theater show, why are they not all boasting yellowish hair as a symbol of unity?

This issue appears most prominently in the Pops n’ Jazz showcase, our school’s most noticeable export – and yet they aren’t celebrating as much as the bleached-haired boys swim team. It is our band’s state championship of sorts, and for some reason their hair stays exactly the same. Repulsive.

I needed answers, so I took to the field.

In an interview with Pops n’ Jazz acclaimed jazz dancer phenom Sari Eisen, the fancy stepper claimed bleached hair would, “make it a lot more interesting during the band numbers when people get bored.” Sheesh. However, I’m glad to see she agreed.

For more public opinion, I took to my Latin class, where junior and extreme Lizzo superfan Carter O’Keefe commented that my idea, “sounded rad.” An interesting word choice, yes, but nonetheless a statement of agreement. Other members of the class, like senior Leah O’Brien exclaimed that PnJ members dying their hair “sounds terrible.” However she has been proven to be wrong with factual evidence. When asked for an opinion, Mr. Crabb continued to discuss imperative verb forms or something.

I looked for a comment with Mr. Antonucci, but like many investigative reporters, I couldn’t remember where the band room was.

So, in conclusion, the bleach blonde hair is a symbol of unity that should be put in place for all teams at this school, from the hockey boys to girls lacrosse to the robotics club before their championship. And for the chess club members out there, I expect you all to have mulleted, bleach blonde hair the next time you “checkmate” me.