As a true, god-fearing American, there are few things I appreciate more than a traditional American holiday. Unfortunately in the last couple years, my favorite of the winter holidays has disgustingly been repeatedly disguised to include all the end-of-the-year celebrations.  Even those filthy people at Starbucks undermined its importance with those awful “Happy Holidays” cups. Utterly unfathomable. 

But one holiday remains unscathed. An emblem of American integrity. A renaissance of true imperialism. Halloween. For hundreds of years, we have celebrated Halloween as a way to appreciate all different types of people in the most respectful of ways: by dressing up as them. 

Many people don’t know how Halloween, or Hallow’s Eve (yes, I am a historian), started. But it is basically written in our constitution. Apparently in 1783, right after we had finished the Revolutionary War, Americans were in high spirits. Right as we fired the final shot of battle, George Washington looked right over at Ben Franklin and said, “that was pretty spooky!” And at that moment, Halloween was born. 

The Founding Fathers devised the holiday for the American people to celebrate on October 31st every year, paying homage to those who they appreciate by dressing up as them. The Founding Fathers were indeed huge fans of costumes – look at the wigs! A source told me they were going to write about it in the Constitution, but a man named John Hancock wrote his name a little too big and there was no more space. 

The Holiday’s premise itself is uniquely patriotic. Nothing says the USA more than showing up to a home that is not yours and then demanding they give you goods. The real Trail of Tears is when they’re giving out bite sized-snickers and not full bars!

Although, today it seems that Halloween is not getting the respect it deserves. There are talks of cancellation due to Covid-19. Little does Big Pharma know that my Jason Vorhees mask serves two purposes! Another disrespectful aspect of recent celebrations comes from the teenagers dressing too inappropriately! Yes, some would say my promiscuous Lady Liberty a few years back was a little uncalled for, but at least I was trying to show my patriotism. What is a promiscuous cheetah ever going to do for this country?

So, to the CDC, the government, or whoever’s listening: we must keep Halloween great if we ever truly want to keep this country afloat. Thank you and goodnight.