As an avid journalist, I remain on the hunt for the hottest stories and gossip. Unfortunately, my superiors here at “Hall Highlights” are not always prepared for my latest genius. After I blatantly vandalized school property for the entire student population to see, all of my articles were rejected.In an act of rebellion, I have decided to publish all titles of articles that were vetoed. The people must see my creations! (I have been informed that if I publish the entire articles I face the risk of expulsion, charges of treason, public exile, and getting my bedtime pushed to 7:00.) Without further ado, here are the titles of my brilliance.

Recently Graduated Senior Under the Impression Anyone Cares

Sophomore with Drivers License Unaware Other Personality Traits Exist

Dislike Being Lactose Intolerant? Try Eating Dairy Anyways!

7-Year-Old Class President Unable to Provide Unlimited Recess, Students Begin Unionizing

Marvel Fan Sits Through Credits of “Schindler’s List” With Hopes of Secret End Credits Scene

College Admissions Officer Feels Lonely When Nobody Returns His Emails

Therapist Holds Back Laugh During Session with Client Using Humor As Coping Mechanism

Pep Band Devastated After Football Team Fails to Know Any of Their Names

BREAKING: Benchwarmer Feeling a Bit Chilly

White Mom Showcases Below Average Spanish at Local Mexican Restaurant

Touch Starved Man Refuses to Wear Green on Saint Patrick’s Day

Girl Sitting In Back of Classroom Extremely Well Rested, Report Finds

First 20 Minutes of Movie Show that Horse Will Never Race, Viewers are Skeptical

Short Kid On Basketball Team Makes an Excellent Ball in a Pinch

AP Psychology Student Once Again Misdiagnoses Friend’s Mental Illness

HEARTWARMING: Student’s Leukemia Cured After School Nurse Gave Them an Ice Pack

Taylor Swift Fan Flabbergasted Nobody Wants to Listen to Ten Minutes of One Song

BREAKING: Teenage Boy Leaves Room After Three Days, Sources Say He Ran Out of Dr. Pepper

Unfortunately, I have just been informed that even publishing these titles violates the terms of my agreement with this respected paper. I am officially canceled and my right to free speech revoked. And right after International Women’s Month no less. 

Speaking of holidays, don’t forget that “Hall Highlights” is celebrating National Edible Book Day by making this edition completely consumable! Go ahead, take a bite! (My lovely editor Maya Patt has informed me that this blatant misinformation is my last straw. I will see you all through the windows of the ISS room!)